Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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