I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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