piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My cat gives me a boner
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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