I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize