i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
