Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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