My first STD was from a foam party
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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