I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So much rum. So many feels.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
