Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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