what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
