I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
