I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Ladies don't puke and tell
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
