evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
