I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
