rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
