Define "chronic" masturbator.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
