I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
