I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
