Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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