he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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