I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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