I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
