It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
