She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
