he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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