i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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