no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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