I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
