This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
