Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We have so much sex to catch up on
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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