I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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