This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
