My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
