I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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