Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Someone shit on the floor
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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