remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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