I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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