I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize