I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
