I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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