i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
