and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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