My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize