Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
