Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
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