you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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