I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Green mimosas i think yes
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
