Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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