i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
honey bunches of taint.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
