I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize