I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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