I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
