HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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