The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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