It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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