No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize