Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
