My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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