An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
