Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Text me some of your sweat
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