I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
