I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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