Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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