dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
