This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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