believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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